Where Do We Go From Here?

I hardly know how to begin and end this post. 

I suppose I can update you on a brief sequence of events. 

In May I had throat surgery to repair a paralyzed vocal cord. There was a  mishap so I had to go on a very strong anti-biotic, which wreaked havoc on my body. I was throwing up and had bowel issues and all the while trying to swallow as my voice healed. Long story short, my voice is back but I physically have not ever been the same. 

Who's to say what caused what but the biggest issue now is that my liver is failing from the cancer. No, I cannot get a transplant or treat it anymore. I am no longer on any chemo or cancer medication because after exhausting the list of possibilities, nothing seems to be improving. I am still in close contact with my doctors at Sloan Kettering where I've gotten exceptional care. They've been managing my malignant ascites, edema, tremors, and all other cancer related issues. I am, however, primarily under home hospice care. I have nurses visit the house, they get my meds, supplies, etc. Everyone thus far has been very compassionate. 

Today I met with a non-denominational chaplain --I surprised myself--and had a lovely talk. It only occurred to be about a week ago that all of this is permanent. For instance, I recently got a catheter for the ascites and in my mind, once I healed from it, it would be over. But no, it's staying in me. It's drained three times a day by my devoted husband. Not only has my life changed, but his, too. He cares for all of my meds, food, speaking with doctors. He has a new full time job just for me. Instead of planning vacations, we are planning how to get around from pt a to b, will I have the energy, etc. and this makes me feel so anxious and scared. What else is to come that will be permanent? The Chaplain said I am mourning the way my life used to be. She is right. No more beach, dunks in the pool, even a bath. I hope together we can work on my finding a more peaceful place but at night when my thoughts run like crazy, I am not at peace. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of the future. 

I suppose this will be my first writing entry to this new chapter life. Please stay tuned for more and feel free to ask questions. 

Love, 

Elizabeth💓